Grandpa - An assorted mix of recollections and remembrances

Today would've been my Grandpa's 81st birthday.

But... Grandpa left this world almost 25 years ago (two weeks from tomorrow, I believe, is the anniversary of his passing).

I've been thinking about Grandpa all day.

All the baseball games he took me to - I remember going to see the Cincinnati Reds play at Riverfront Stadium, as well as going to see my uncle Hump play at different ball fields in the city).

I remember that Grandpa loved to eat candy corn, and would always give me and my cousin Amber candy corn when we were little; to this day, I CAN'T STAND candy corn.

I remember his car. Grandpa drove an old Mercury "something" (I can't recall the year or model, but remember that it was a Mercury). It was green, and it was comfortable. The seats felt like an old comfy couch.

I remember sleeping in the bed with him and my Granny when I was little. I remember loving to see my Granny and Grandpa together.

Then, I remember not seeing my Grandpa as much. When my Granny still stayed at the top of 13th Street, I remember Grandpa stopping by and giving me and Amber money. He'd talk to Granny for a few, then he would leave. At that age, I didn't understand what it meant to be separated.

I remember going to visit Grandpa. He moved to an apartment on Kemper Avenue behind the Walnut Hills Kroger. I loved going to see Grandpa.

I remember my mother telling me, when I was nine-and-a-half, that my Grandpa was sick, that he had lung cancer. I didn't know what cancer was. I remember asking when he was going to get better. She told me that he wouldn't get better.

 I remember the last time I saw my Grandpa alive. My Daddy took me and my younger brothers over to his apartment - the one on Kemper Avenue behind Kroger. He had an oxygen tank next to him, and the tubes in his nose. I remembered being intrigued by the oxygen tank.

 I remember my Granny calling Grandpa; it was a month before he passed away. I remember my Granny asking him if he wanted her to come and cook him breakfast. I remember that they were laughing, and it was a pleasant conversation, from what I could tell.

  I remember my Aunt Biddy waking me up one morning in July. She was at my bedside, and she was like, "Jonathan, wake up!" I woke up. I can't recall exactly how she told me, but she told me that Grandpa died. I cried. I remember she trying to comfort me and telling me not to cry. Then, I remember my Momma being in the doorway, and her telling my aunt to just let me cry. I remember that my mother's face was tear-streaked as well.

I remember not wanted to eat or play. No one else remembers me being that way in the week between his death and his funeral, but I remember.

I remember the funeral. I remember looking in the coffin, and saying to myself (and later, to my mother and aunt) "I didn't know Grandpa had a moustache." I also remember meeting my great-aunt from Baltimore and I remember my Granny and my great-aunt from Georgia crying over some flowers (and Grandpa too, I hope).

I remember my Momma driving his car; I guess he left the car to her or something. I loved that car. But, we didn't have it long - something went wrong, and they junked it or something (Hey, I was only 10 when all this was going on).

Everytime something important happened in my life, I remember that Grandpa isn't there. It pains me a little that he didn't get to see me graduate from elementary school, high school, nor college. He didn't get to see me grow up.

He never got to hear me preach. I single this particular "missed experience" out because my aunts tell me that Grandpa used to tell everybody that I was going to be a preacher when I grew up, because I always ate chicken and liked to talk. I don't remember ever hearing him say that, but I wondered what his response would be if he lived to see it happen.

Of course, I've heard many things about my Grandpa from other family members, and friends of the family. Some of their recollections were warm, others were cool, and others were down-right outlandish. But, I thank God that I have my own memories, my own experiences with him, my own love for him, my own pain over missing him.

I miss that I didn't have a Grandpa to go to during my teenaged years. During that time, both my fathers weren't really around, and I believe that having him around may have made a difference in my outlook on life and myself.

I miss that I didn't get to have more conversations with him. Despite my love and memories, most of what I know is via third parties (my grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). At the same time, Grandpa's absence did make me determined to have more moments with my Granny, and my parents.

 Well, I don't have much else to say about Grandpa John Henry Clark, Sr. I miss him, yet I thank God for the 10 years I had with him, and I hope that he knew the impression that he left on my life.

2012: A Personal Retrospective

So, I know I'm three months late in doing this, but I'm hoping that the extra time has giving me more perspective on explaining the ups and down of 2012 (or maybe I'm saying this because it sounds better then saying "I'm procrastinating")

   Overall, 2012 was a challenging year for me. I went through in just about every area of my life. I really didn't think about the tests and trials while I was in the midst of them, but toward the end of December, I had to look back and say, "Wow - I really went through this year."

     I've seen some people around me say and do things that hurt. I wasn't really hurt personally, but I saw people get hurt by their bad decisions; and it hurt me to see them hurting, and it hurt me that I couldn't do anything to help them. I learned, on another level, about letting go and letting God.

     I had to confront some insecurities that were hidden deep down; specifically, I had to confront the warped view of manhood and driving. Because of my upbringing, there were things that I wasn't able to experience that other children/teenagers go to experience - namely, the experiences of a driver's license and a car. I had spent most of  my adulthood feeling that I was wasn't really a man because I didn't have a driver's license or a car. I felt that, when I acquire these things, that I'd finally feel as though I was a man.
   Well, I got my driver's license in 2011, I got a car in 2012, and I lost the car in 2012 (the financing fell through after I drove the car off the lot... long story). After I got the car, and lost the car, I didn't feel more mature. I didn't feel like, "Ah - my manhood is complete." I didn't feel that I had arrived. So, I had to discover the source of the insecure feelings I had.
    I realized that there were people around me that tried to make me feel some kind of way about not having a license/car because of their own insecurities. There were people that were perhaps insecure about what God had allow me to accomplish in regards to education, and people who were insecure about my relationship with God and how God has raised me up over the years. So, me not having the means to drive was something for those people to  use to try to demean me and mess with my "self-esteem". But, God used the situation with the car to expose and free me, so I praise him!

     Money - I went through in this area as  well. I only got four months in with the IRS, and I only got $94/week in unemployment, and that got cut off in December... . yeah.

     Daycare - We at Anointed Word Fellowship have been working on a daycare for about three years now.  We had endured rule changes, personnel changes, personnel "sucka attacks", driving all over Ohio for training, and filing endless paperwork with the state. But, at the end of the day, we got licensed, and our opening day is fast approaching (and me earning an income again is fast approaching).

     School - So, I'm currently enrolled in the Master of Education program at Grand Canyon University (focus: Early Childhood Education). So far, I am enjoying my coursework. I am learning a lot, and am excited that I'll be able to help the young children with the knowledge that I'm acquiring through my coursework. And, so far, I'm doing quite well in school. I pray that the next 20 of so months go as smoothly as the past two months.

    Assistant Pastor - I'm still Assistant Pastor of Anointed Word Fellowship (AWF). Being in ministry presents many opportunities for personal growth and character building. God has brought together a unique group of people, with diverse abilities, talents, personalities, and characters. So, I've been able to interact, and even be challenged by these different abilities, talents, personalities, and characters. I give glory to God for keeping me for two years, for growing me, equipping me, guiding me, and teaching me to fight in the spirit realm like never before.

     The future - Even in December 2012, God had been dealing with me about vision. I believe totally that many dreams/visions/prophecies that have tarried for years are going to manifest in 2013. I believe that I'm finally at a place in my mind/spirit/character/emotions where God can finally open some doors that had been previously shut.
     I'm seeing it already this year - the daycare license, school... . I'm just looking forward to everything else that God may have in store!

    Well, that's my 2012, in a nutshell. Laton!
   

Update (It's been a long time...)

It's been a long time/ I shouldn't have left you/ without a hot blog to grip you/... (Gee - that might've been a little corny)

I've just been 1) BUSY and 2) Uninspired to write blogs. I've had ideas, but I've just found better things to do. For one, I wanted to finish doing the elaborations on my testimony bars (I've already done ex-smoker and ex-drinker). I haven't done a "Year in Review" for 2012 (and please believe that I've had MUCH to reflect on for 2012.
  Oh - I forgot about the 3rd reason why my blogs haven't been manifesting on this page as I want them to - my comnputer screen went out! I was sitting here doing some work on good ol' Julie (that's what I had named my laptop - Julie) when the screen went black! The computer was on, but the screen was black! Since my funding wasn't suffice at the time, I just had to suffer without a computer for almost two months. But, I went and got my new laptop - I call her Shiba (short for Toshiba) - and I'm in full effect. Shiba is definitely an upgrade from Julie (new operation system, more RAM, the disc drive works, and so does the battery). Julie was a trooper - I had her for over six years - but it was time to move on.
   But mainly, I'm been busy. I'm still assistant pastor of the church (local assembly) I'm a part of, I'm in the process of opening a daycare, I'm studying for a Master's in Education, and I'm working on a few ventures (God has given me the power to get wealth, and I'm going to go get it).

   Forgive me for not organizing my thoughts above - I'm writing this blog off the dome.

   So, over the next week, I hope to at least do a 2012 review. I may also take time away from my busyness to write about my busyness. I also need to take time to read the news so that I can blog about the news (The news is always fun to write about).

   So, with that being said, I'll write laton!