2012: A Personal Retrospective

So, I know I'm three months late in doing this, but I'm hoping that the extra time has giving me more perspective on explaining the ups and down of 2012 (or maybe I'm saying this because it sounds better then saying "I'm procrastinating")

   Overall, 2012 was a challenging year for me. I went through in just about every area of my life. I really didn't think about the tests and trials while I was in the midst of them, but toward the end of December, I had to look back and say, "Wow - I really went through this year."

     I've seen some people around me say and do things that hurt. I wasn't really hurt personally, but I saw people get hurt by their bad decisions; and it hurt me to see them hurting, and it hurt me that I couldn't do anything to help them. I learned, on another level, about letting go and letting God.

     I had to confront some insecurities that were hidden deep down; specifically, I had to confront the warped view of manhood and driving. Because of my upbringing, there were things that I wasn't able to experience that other children/teenagers go to experience - namely, the experiences of a driver's license and a car. I had spent most of  my adulthood feeling that I was wasn't really a man because I didn't have a driver's license or a car. I felt that, when I acquire these things, that I'd finally feel as though I was a man.
   Well, I got my driver's license in 2011, I got a car in 2012, and I lost the car in 2012 (the financing fell through after I drove the car off the lot... long story). After I got the car, and lost the car, I didn't feel more mature. I didn't feel like, "Ah - my manhood is complete." I didn't feel that I had arrived. So, I had to discover the source of the insecure feelings I had.
    I realized that there were people around me that tried to make me feel some kind of way about not having a license/car because of their own insecurities. There were people that were perhaps insecure about what God had allow me to accomplish in regards to education, and people who were insecure about my relationship with God and how God has raised me up over the years. So, me not having the means to drive was something for those people to  use to try to demean me and mess with my "self-esteem". But, God used the situation with the car to expose and free me, so I praise him!

     Money - I went through in this area as  well. I only got four months in with the IRS, and I only got $94/week in unemployment, and that got cut off in December... . yeah.

     Daycare - We at Anointed Word Fellowship have been working on a daycare for about three years now.  We had endured rule changes, personnel changes, personnel "sucka attacks", driving all over Ohio for training, and filing endless paperwork with the state. But, at the end of the day, we got licensed, and our opening day is fast approaching (and me earning an income again is fast approaching).

     School - So, I'm currently enrolled in the Master of Education program at Grand Canyon University (focus: Early Childhood Education). So far, I am enjoying my coursework. I am learning a lot, and am excited that I'll be able to help the young children with the knowledge that I'm acquiring through my coursework. And, so far, I'm doing quite well in school. I pray that the next 20 of so months go as smoothly as the past two months.

    Assistant Pastor - I'm still Assistant Pastor of Anointed Word Fellowship (AWF). Being in ministry presents many opportunities for personal growth and character building. God has brought together a unique group of people, with diverse abilities, talents, personalities, and characters. So, I've been able to interact, and even be challenged by these different abilities, talents, personalities, and characters. I give glory to God for keeping me for two years, for growing me, equipping me, guiding me, and teaching me to fight in the spirit realm like never before.

     The future - Even in December 2012, God had been dealing with me about vision. I believe totally that many dreams/visions/prophecies that have tarried for years are going to manifest in 2013. I believe that I'm finally at a place in my mind/spirit/character/emotions where God can finally open some doors that had been previously shut.
     I'm seeing it already this year - the daycare license, school... . I'm just looking forward to everything else that God may have in store!

    Well, that's my 2012, in a nutshell. Laton!
   

Update (It's been a long time...)

It's been a long time/ I shouldn't have left you/ without a hot blog to grip you/... (Gee - that might've been a little corny)

I've just been 1) BUSY and 2) Uninspired to write blogs. I've had ideas, but I've just found better things to do. For one, I wanted to finish doing the elaborations on my testimony bars (I've already done ex-smoker and ex-drinker). I haven't done a "Year in Review" for 2012 (and please believe that I've had MUCH to reflect on for 2012.
  Oh - I forgot about the 3rd reason why my blogs haven't been manifesting on this page as I want them to - my comnputer screen went out! I was sitting here doing some work on good ol' Julie (that's what I had named my laptop - Julie) when the screen went black! The computer was on, but the screen was black! Since my funding wasn't suffice at the time, I just had to suffer without a computer for almost two months. But, I went and got my new laptop - I call her Shiba (short for Toshiba) - and I'm in full effect. Shiba is definitely an upgrade from Julie (new operation system, more RAM, the disc drive works, and so does the battery). Julie was a trooper - I had her for over six years - but it was time to move on.
   But mainly, I'm been busy. I'm still assistant pastor of the church (local assembly) I'm a part of, I'm in the process of opening a daycare, I'm studying for a Master's in Education, and I'm working on a few ventures (God has given me the power to get wealth, and I'm going to go get it).

   Forgive me for not organizing my thoughts above - I'm writing this blog off the dome.

   So, over the next week, I hope to at least do a 2012 review. I may also take time away from my busyness to write about my busyness. I also need to take time to read the news so that I can blog about the news (The news is always fun to write about).

   So, with that being said, I'll write laton!

Mixed Feelings: Men, Women, and Violence (Part I)

Recently, I've seen two instances of men hitting women; the first was a movie scene, the second was a video clip of an actual incident. I'm finding that I have mixed feelings about what I've seen, and I'm going to blog about it and sort out my feelings openly.

  So, I was up one night (couldn't sleep), and I ended up watching "A Family That Preys" on Youtube. It was an okay film, but the one scene that stood out is when Rockmond Dunbar's character found out about his wife infidelity (Sanaa Lathan played the wife). When she confessed the infidelity, he gave her a real-live backhand, and she flew over the counter.
    I was shocked, but at the same time, I understood. In the film, the husband was faithful, hardworking, patient, and enduring. He put up with years of the wife belittling him and discouraging his dreams (the man also had ambitions) without a word. Then to find out that this woman was cheating on you for years and to find out that your son really isn't even your son... that man snapped, and she was too close to him in that moment. I couldn't believe that I was watching a man slap his wife into the next week, but I was... happy (???) to see her reap some of the ill seed that she had sown.

   Then, today, I saw a video of a Cleveland bus driver who was attacked by a 25-year-old woman. The woman and the bus driver had exchanged words, then she apparently hit him and/or spit on him. The bus driver got up, and hit her with a Street Fighter uppercut. Then, he grabbed her up and put her off the bus.
   I had the same feelings about this incident as I did about the movie scene - I hated to see a man hit a woman like that, yet it was another case of "you reap what you sow".

   Even as I write, I'm torn in my feelings about seeing these two examples of violence against women (although one of them was fictional). I firmly believe that a man shouldn't hit a woman. I believe that a man is supposed to use his strength to protect, support, and elevate a woman, not tear her down.
   Despite what so many women may try to portray, a woman is not just like a man. Physically, the average man is stronger than the average woman. On average, a woman is more emotional and more mouthy than a man. Women tend to battle with their mouths, and men tend to battle with their hands [in the natural, I'm not referring to the spiritual  battle].

    Maybe the problem I'm having is the fact that so many people in today's society (men and women) aren't as sensitive to violence in general, and specifically against violence against women by men. Many men and women shrugged off the bus incident with statements such as "karma" or "you reap what you sow" or "her mouth cashed a check that her @$$ couldn't cash" (I'm guilty of this). Some responded with glee to see this "unruly woman" get put in her place. Some marveled at the uppercut that this man used on the woman (I'll admit - it's been years since I saw an uppercut; I thought that punch went out of style with finger waves).

   I need to think on this matter more (away from the computer). I'll continue this exploration later.

Ex-drinker

It used to taste good to indulge in that fermented,
but God changed my taste buds after I repented!

   As with smoking, I grew up around a lot of drinkers (probably could accurately use the term "alcoholics", but I'll use "drinkers" in this blog entry). And as with smoking, I was initially turned off by drinking as well. I didn't like the effect it had on certain members of my family, and I associated it with partying, and I didn't like all the partying that my parents/aunts/uncles/cousins did.
   But, since it was always around, I was tempted as a teen. I remember sneaking sips of my mother's Hennessy  when she wasn't home. I didn't particularly enjoy it (at the time), but I suppose I liked the thrill of doing something that I wasn't supposed to do.
   But, then I went to college and, as with smoking, I got caught up. At first, I thought that beer was nasty, but I liked being drunk and eventually acquired a taste for it. And, I really enjoyed the harder stuff, because it got me drunker quicker. In case it's not obvious, I was in love with being drunk. When I was drunk, I felt more confident, more at ease with myself, more carefree... . I liked that... I just liked being drunk/wasted/smashed.
   
   But then, I got saved. And, I stopped drinking for a couple of years. Then, I turned 21. My homegirl came to Oxford (the one that I spent a weed-filled weekend with - see my ex-smoker testimony for more about that). She took a brotha to the club and was buying me amaretto sours and long island iced teas, and I was guzzling them drinks like I was drinking kool-aid on a hot summer's day. I was super-smashed! I couldn't even walk down the street straight (but I regretted it the next day, for real).
   After this incident, I drank at home. I felt bad that I was supposed to be a devout Christian on the campus, but I was wasted in the club on a Friday night, and people who knew me was up in the club too. I really didn't drink too much for the rest of my college days, but after college, I would (on the low) enjoy cocktails or a bottle of beer. And, when I was a socialist, I got it in!

  Finally, toward the summer of 2005, I started feeling some type of way about drinking. I just felt "wrong" about drinking. The Holy Ghost kept bringing to my remembrance that "wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise". So, I prayed to God that he'd take the desire away from me like he did with smoking. And, I swore off drinking.

   And, I haven't drunk anything since... no, that's wrong. Back in the Spring of 2007 when I called myself backslidding, I did get lit off Absolut with my lil' homie, and I had the hangover from hell the next day. That was 5 1/2 years ago, and I haven't had a drink since, not even really tempted. God truly delivered me from the bottle, and I give him praise!


#ex-drinker

Ex-smoker

He took that "blaze" up out my lung
and put that PRAISE up on my tongue

It's still a trip to my, in some ways, that I actually have this testimony, considering the disdain I had for smoking. Yet, smoking (cigarettes, Black & Mild cigars, and especially marijuana) is something from which God had to save me.

I grew up with parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other adults who were smokers; I think my maternal grandmother was the only adult in my life who didn't smoke at all. I remember all the smoky car rides, the butt-filled ashtrays, and running to the store with a handwritten note from my mother or one of my aunts to buy cigarrettes or rolling papers.

But, I hated it. I thought it was a waste of money to buy those smoky things (I was also considering all the candy, chips, and pop I could buy with the money being spent on Salem Slim Lights, Kools, and Newports). I swore to never smoke cigarettes in my life!
That's not to say that there was no temptation in my teenaged years. I remember that, when I was 14, I flirted with the idea of smoking a Black & Mild cigar. Honestly, I liked the smell. Cigarettes stinked, Black & Milds smelled nice. I wanted to smoke one to see if it tasted as good as it smelled. I went tand bought a pack one time, but before I could get enough nerve to open it and smoke one, my brothers kicked in my door and saw the Black & Milds. In embarrassment, I threw them out the window, and I gave up on trying those cigars.

So, I get to college. I never smoked anything, and was a bit of a goody-two-shoes when it came to smoking and other vices. I was shocked to see classmates and dorm-mates smoking cigarettes and weed. I couldn't believe that people who were smart enough to be in college would be foolish enough to smoke [and do other stuff]! I generally tried to stay away from the smokers; I wasn't trying to be judgmental, but it shocked me, and I didn't know how to "take" my peers who were smokers.

   During fall break of my freshman year of college, I decided to stay on campus and hang out (most of the students used to three-day weekend to go off campus to visit family and friends). Well, on Saturday night of the fall break, I went to check on the guy that lived two doors down from me. Unbeknownst to me, he and several of our dorm-mates were in the midst of a smoke session [with marijuana]. I was shocked to see them smoking weed, especially in our smoke-free dorm, but was intrigued because it was the first time I've ever seen Caucasians smoking weed. So, I went in the room to hang out with them, but didn't intend to smoke anything. However, one of the guys started talking this stuff about how marijuana isn't addictive and how it makes you feel good and a whole bunch of other b.s. that seems stupid now but made sense at the time (I probably had caught a contact at the time and didn't even know it; but then, I was so naive then that I didn't even know what a contact was). Then he ended his endorsement of marijuana with "I'm not trying to pressure you...".
   Of course I was intrigued. So, when I was asked if I wanted to give it a try, of course I said yes! I let them show me what to do. I inhaled, and of course I choked on the first couple of hits. But that third time, I inhaled it correctly, and I held it in like they told me to. I remember feeling at though someone went inside my brain and hit me on my skull with a little hammer. Then I remember feeling dizzy and lightheaded. Then, I remember everything being funny, and laughing at everything that everyone was saying. I can't remember how long I stayed in that room, but I remember leaving and going back to my room with the munchies. I ate some Doritos, drank Hawaiian Punch, and fell asleep in the middle of the floor with a white sheet wrapped around me.

  I loved marijuana. I loved how it seemed to make food taste better, how it made everything funnier, how it made my head spin, how it made me so relaxed. At the same time, I felt guilty. I had always tried to be an example to my younger siblings, and here I was, loving weed. But, I didn't stop smoking.
  I also finally started to smoke Black & Milds. I went to the Ameristop on Spring Street and bought a pack of Black and Milds and smoked one of them on the walk back to my dorm. I wasn't a frequent smoker of Black & Milds, but I did love the smell of them, and they held me over until I was able to get some weed.

   After I had been a Christian for about six months or so (right around the time I got filled with the Holy Ghost), I started feeling bad about smoking. Some of my brothers and sisters in Christ testified about how God delivered them from weed, so I assumed that I couldn't smoke weed or Black & Milds anymore since I was a Christian. So I stopped smoking... for about eight months.
   My homegirl was leaving Miami U, and she wanted to smoke with me one time. We had never smoked with each other, and she wanted to get a 20-sack and get it in. So, despite that Holy Ghost conviction, I put in, and we got lit the entire weekend.
   After that smoke-episode, I would go on weed binges, meaning that I would forsake smoking weed for a period of time (six months to two years), then I would get offered weed, and binge for a period of time (from a few days to a few weeks). Then, I would feel bad and stop smoking.

   I remember having a conversation with my mother in March 2002 (two months before she passed away). I told her about how I wanted to go smoke some weed. She told me not to be like everyone else. "I smoke weed, your Daddy smokes weed, your brothers smoke weed. Don't be like us, Edward. You've always been on something different - stay that way." That conversation stuck with me, especially since that was one of the last times she and I sat down and talked before she died of a brain aneurysm two months after we talked.
   I did take her words to heart, and I wanted to be "on something different". But, I was grieving, heartbroken, and STRESSED! So, I started smoking Newports to deal with the stress, and to stay away from weed. I wasn't a "regular" smoker of cigarrettes though. I would buy a pack, give 1/2 of them to beggin' niggas on the streets, and after finishing off a pack, I would forsake smoking until the next time I was stressing and found myself buying another pack of Newports.

    In November 2004, while I was praying to God, He started dealing with me about how I needed deliverance from smoking. I tried to reason with God, by saying things like, "But I'm not a regular smoker", and "I went without smoking for two years - twice - so it can't be that big of a deal." But, God kept convicting me about it. He made me to realize that they only reason I stopped smoking was because I didn't have and money, or because I was in situations where I couldn't smoke (like when I was was living with my best friends). He showed me that I adtually loved the smell of marijuana and Black & Milds, how I would sit around smokers just so that I could take in the smell. He showed me that the fact I would say, "I went without smoking for two years - twice - so it can't be that big of a deal" showed just how deceived the devil had me in this area. So, I sincerely prayed, "Lord, deliver me from smoking."

   And He did. About two weeks after I prayed for deliverance, I was walking from the Main Library in Downtown Cincinnati. Two guys walking in front of me were smoking a blunt. The smell hit my nose, and I was so turned off by the smell that I actually had to turn and walk in another direction just to get away from that smell. As I walked away, I asked God what was that all about; he told me that he took the taste for smoking out of my mouth. Not only did the desire leave, but I actually became disgusted by even the very smell of cigarettes/marijuana/Black & Milds.

  However, there was a period where I tried to smoke again. In March/April 2007, I left God and "called" myself backsliding. After I made the decision to backslide, I decided that I was going to go back and resume all those vices, including smoking and drinking. I got hold of a Newport, and tried to smoke it. I took one puff, and almost threw up! It was as though I had inhaled a mouthful of dirt! I put out the cigarrette, and knew that I'd never pick one up again. I also tried to smoke a joint during this period. My younger brother was smoking, and I asked if I could hit it. He was hesitant to let me hit (he knew that I had been delivered, and he was disappointed that I was backslidding), but he gave in and passed me the joint. I took a couple of puffs, and NOTHING HAPPENED - I didn't even feel the smoke hit my lungs! I didn't get high, didn't choke, nothing! Nothing happened! So, I knew then that God's deliverance was bigger than my attempts at backsliding.

   And, I haven't touch any of that stuff since.


#ex-smoker

Testimony bars

First and formost, my apologies for not being diligent in posting blogs. I had thought about posting, but I just wasn't feeling writing for a season. God had to rekindle my love for writing and reading, to be honest... but I'm not here to have this conversation today.

 I wanted to talk about something that I've been doing on Facebook this week. Everyday this week, I've posted "bars" of my testimony (basically, a couple of rhyming lines describing what God has done for me and what he's delivered me from).

 Actually, I didn't plan to do this. I was in fellowship with a few of the saints after church on Sunday, and I said in the midst of our conversation that "He took that blaze up out my lung, and put that praise up in my lung!" One of my sisters was hyped over that couplet, and was saying that I should turn it into a song. Then, I said, "I'm gonna put that on my Facebook!" She said, "Tag me if you do it!". So, when I got home, I logged onto my Facebook and posted those bars (except for replacing the second "lung" with "tongue", it's the same thing I said when I was with the saints).

   When I checked my Facebook on Monday, I saw the status sitting there, and I wondered aloud if I could come up with more "testimony bars" - and almost instantly, I thought "Eyes would carefully watch chests, backsides, and thighs - I thank God for redirecting my eyes". So, that was the next one that I posted. And, God has given me bars to post everyday, sharing what's He's done for me.

  I suppose I'll post testimony bars until I run out of bars or deliverance testimonies (probably the latter).

   But also, I plan to start writing daily on my blog about my testimonies. I want to elaborate on what God has done. For example, "He took that blaze up out my lung, and put that praise up on my tongue!" - I would like to elaborate and tell the story behind the lines. So, look forward to me sharing my story... .

Update (April 25/26, 2012) - writing

   One reason that I haven't been as diligent in blogging is because I've really been considering if I should change the way in which I blog. Currently, I log onto blogger.com, and write off the top of my head on whatever topic is on my mind in that moment. I may have an idea of what I want to write, but the writing itself is  spontaneous.

   However, some "discourse" that occurred on Facebook several weeks ago has made me take pause and consider my approach to writing.

   So, I was on Facebook and saw a  video where recording artist Lecrae was "teaching" on the subject of tattoos. I commented on my Facebook page that I thought the video was a hot mess (among other things, he took scriptures out of context and he used inaccurate illustrations). Well, some of the Christians automatically took my comment as being legalistic, biblically erroneous, and proceeded to get "fly" on my Facebook page (and one person even made a Youtube video about me).

   Now, I'll keep it real and  say that, honestly, I wasn't totally prepared to biblically defend my comment like I know I could. Well, it wasn't so much the "hot mess" comment that I had to defend, but why I teach against tattoos. I've done research on the topic of tattooing (or marking, which is the term used in the Holy Bible), but didn't have my source material on  hand; the saints weren't willing  to receive what I had  to say on faith (and I can't get too mad at that, considering all  the false doctrine going forth these days). Then, it seemed as though some folks still wanted to feel  some kind of way even after I brought forth scripture and other sources on the matter.

   

    That situation on Facebook did make me think though. I was wondering if I should stop writing off the top of my head and be intentional in what I write. On one hand, I want to be free to write whatever is on my mind (whether on a blog, on Twitter, or on Facebook). On the other hand, I'm a minister of the gospel, an ambassador of Christ; I always have to represent the faith first. Some people may try to misconstrue MY random thoughts and opinions into a judgement against Christianity or even against God, which I most definitely don't want to happen.

   I'm praying on this, and I'll see how  God  leads me.  Until then... .

    Laton.